15 Things Guys Think When Kissing

1. How do I handle the approach? Does she want to kiss me? I’ll start going in really slowly to see if she moves away. She hasn’t moved away yet, so that’s a good sign, but maybe I’m not close enough yet. I’m going tokeep moving in until our lips are touching.

2. Ok, game time. I never stopped to think about how weird the act of making out is. I’m glad my brain chose now to make me feel hyper-aware of everything I’m currently doing.

3. This angle is kind of awkward. I feel like if I try to move, though, she’ll suddenly change her mind about making out with me. This is worth the deep cramping in my neck.

4. Should I have used chapstick? Do I even own chapstick?

5. How does my breath smell? I probably should’ve popped a mint in before I made the conscious decision to breathe down her throat.

6. Actually, I should be breathing, but that’s gross right? Ok, stop breathing. No, now I’m getting dizzy. I need to breathe. OK NOW I’M BREATHING TOO HARD AND IT’S CREEPY.

7. Are my teeth crooked? I should’ve listened to my orthodontist and kept that retainer in more often.

8.  Should I go for tongue, or should I let her take the lead? I’m just going to go for it. OK, we are not on the same page here. Maybe she liked that I maneuvered my tongue in there?

9. I can’t stop thinking about that scene in Little Giants where Devon Sawa and Iceboxtalk about tonsil hockey and then Devon Sawa falls off the log they’re sitting on. Wait, was it a log or a boat? I need to remember this accurately.

10. Where should I put my hands? I feel like hands dictate what kind of kiss this is. If I put them on her ass, it’s really s*xual. If I grab her hips, it’s more casual. If I grab her head or hair, maybe it’s off-puttingly passionate? Where is a neutral spot to put my hands? Her knees? Maybe I’ll just never stop moving my hands like a gesticulating professor.

11. Do all girls like what I’m doing now? Maybe only that girl that I first kissed in middle school likes it, and I’ve been doing it ever since and maybe it’s really terrible and I look like an idiot but I’m so bad at kissing that no one has the heart to tell me.

12. WAIT, DO I KISS LIKE A MIDDLE SCHOOLER?

13. Is it OK that I have a partial boner? Where should I put it.

14. We’ve been making out for like 30 seconds already, does she want me to put my hand on her boob? Hand-on-boob is man’s biggest gamble.

15. Whew, b**b is a go. God my jaw is tired.